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A visit to Grandpa's [FanFic] ~ (Construction site for Incohesive Thoughts)

Discussion in 'For Fun' started by Ozuros, Dec 16, 2016.

  1. Ozuros

    Ozuros "All you need is Hime" -Ozu 2017

    CURRENTLY DISCONTINUED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE
     
    Last edited: May 29, 2017
    EA01 Luka, Xetael and PaxMilitae like this.
  2. Unknowned

    Unknowned The Part-time UnWhaler

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    Wow thats... Very deep scifi fanfic lol
     
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  3. PaxMilitae

    PaxMilitae This world needs more Noa

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    While accuracy isn't really the strongest point here, there's no doubt that it's a very well-thought work. Looking forward to your next one.
     
    Ozuros likes this.
  4. Ozuros

    Ozuros "All you need is Hime" -Ozu 2017

    If I continue, I'll probably just add on to this, since there's the potential for it to progress.

    Thanks for reading guys.
     
  5. Sayano

    Sayano Rollin 4 funz

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    Nice description to say the least. A enjoyable read, even if everything seems a bit altered and the scales seem weird.
     
  6. Ozuros

    Ozuros "All you need is Hime" -Ozu 2017

    It's purposeful of course/psh/

    I might include an explanation of how things work if needed.


    EDIT: added some explanations.
     
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2016
  7. Xetael

    Xetael The Oblivious

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    From my bed.....never mind I'm going back to sleep
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    NOW THIS IS MORE LIKE IT!!!! /shy//shy//shy/ AWESOME JOB MATE!
     
    Ozuros likes this.
  8. Ozuros

    Ozuros "All you need is Hime" -Ozu 2017

    glad you liked it :D
     
  9. Ozuros

    Ozuros "All you need is Hime" -Ozu 2017

    UPDATE: Just finished "Part II - THE IDIOTS". Haaahhh....it really takes some effort to write these things...all the same, enjoy lno
     
  10. Jaxx

    Jaxx Insignificant Person

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    I don't exactly dislike it, but personally, I think it has way too much detail... Then again, it's about gods and goddesses, so I'm guessing overly-detailed descriptions are a given. But my stand remains the same, having details is nice and all, but adding too many details makes too many walls of text. Having a lot of details is nice and all, but sometimes you need to tone it down.

    Also, personal advice, when it's just two people are talking, it's best that you don't go:

    "But Sam...!!!", said Hildegard.

    "No is no.", replied Sam.

    "But it's just cake!", complained Hildegard.

    "You'll go hyper and you'll never go to sleep! No. Is. No.", said Sam.

    "Awwww...", Hildegard cried.

    You see what I mean? It's unnecessary, when two people talk back and forth, adding that description at the end of every sentence said is just distracting... But that could be just me. Also, don't add too many ellipses (...), they start getting annoying in large quantities.

    The part where you set your fanfic in a completely different universe from the actual lore... Interesting. I'd like to read more about this alternate universe of yours.

    Summarized: Too many details, some sentences and descriptions feel unnecessary, but the story itself appeals to me nonetheless. I'll be watching.
     
    Ozuros likes this.
  11. Ozuros

    Ozuros "All you need is Hime" -Ozu 2017


    Alright, so clean it up a bit, and reduce details. I can clean it relatively easily...but regarding the extra details....I could just include them all at the end as an appendix of sorts...since they are relevant details, just maybe not for quick reading?

    Also, @Jaxx , this is meant to be a cross between typical dialogue driven fanfics and light novels. Less detail than most light novels, but more than just dialogue...if that makes sense. As an explanation for the ellipses, they are merely used to indicate breaks. If there is a better way of doing so, be sure to let me know!
     
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2016
  12. Jaxx

    Jaxx Insignificant Person

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    Hey, it's your fanfic, do what you want with it, I'll read it whenever I can anyways since the Soccer Spirits fandom doesn't have a lot of fanfics I can read...
     
  13. Xetael

    Xetael The Oblivious

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    *Catches Jaxx and puts him in a pot*
     
  14. Jaxx

    Jaxx Insignificant Person

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    Not here mah brothah, someone's writing a fanfic!
     
  15. Arenji

    Arenji Always think outside the box

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    Woah, that was a lot of reading there. Hope you had a great time making this :D
     
    Ozuros likes this.
  16. Ozuros

    Ozuros "All you need is Hime" -Ozu 2017

    QUICK UPDATE: Moved some stuff, cleaned the dialogue a bit.

    Created an appendix
    Moved "EXPLANATIONS" to the appendix.
    Cleared out some "useless" little add ons to the character dialogue, while generally retaining them for the first few phrases for clarity of speaker. Also retained them when extra details regarding the character's expression/emotions etc are involved. Dialogue linked to larger descriptions untouched.
     
    Jaxx likes this.
  17. Xetael

    Xetael The Oblivious

    Messages:
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    From my bed.....never mind I'm going back to sleep
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    Doesn't matter I'm hungry!
     

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