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A visit to Grandpa's [FanFic] ~ (Construction site for Incohesive Thoughts)

Discussion in 'For Fun' started by Ozuros, Dec 16, 2016.

  1. Ozuros

    Ozuros "All you need is Hime" -Ozu 2017

    Messages:
    1,089
    Location:
    AFC HQ
    IGN/ID:
    AFC Member #6
    Club:
    AFC
    Galaxy:
    Commonplace XII
    Colosseum:
    The one that everyone reaches
    CURRENTLY DISCONTINUED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE

    FOREWORD

    Thanks to everyone who is reading or has read this!

    There's over 100 views (many of those could be ME coming over to update) but even so...there should still be lots of anonymous individuals out there! As an incentive to comment, I'll add those who are have commented below:

    @Unknowned @PaxMilitae @Sayano @Xetael @Jaxx @OmegaPain

    It would be great to continue to receive feedback about this work to spur new ideas, bring to light fundamental errors, or just anything really!
    __________________________________________________________________________
    LAST EDIT: Executed a small scale purge, reorganized extra details in the appendix.

    UPCOMING UPDATES: Parts III-VII ----> likely a more in-depth analysis of the 5 original gods....

    __________________________________________________________________________
    QUICK LINKS TO THE PARTS

    Unfortunately I don't know if this is possible? If someone knows, comment or PM!!!
    ____________________________________________________________________
    NOTES


    If you get confused while reading, the Appendix at the bottom may be of assistance! If still unclear, just contact me however you wish or comment!

    Also Note: Before Jin liked Kiki...

    __________________________________________________________________________
    PREFACE

    YEAR: 3A - Near the birth of the universe, before the creation of the galaxy league
    LOCATION: The stardust region (literally a patch of space where dust is gathering to form stars)
    TIME: relative

    Through the blinding light surrounding brilliant newborn galaxy, past the floating asteroids gathering to form planets, between the partially formed celestial bodies was a singularity... A unique existence at the heart of this developing embryo... a pulsating glow that permeated the galaxy with each pulse; a beat that displaced everything in its path; a heart that drew everything towards it. Through the intense shine, a single chrome core with veins stretching across the entire surface flowing with glowing blue lava. From the core, an immense power could be felt. Massive bolts of white electricity discharged constantly from the sphere, only to be absorbed back into itself at another part of the core's surface. Beside the core was a single planet; an electric tether wildly danced between the two bodies. The planet was a barren rock. There were no oceans with fish; there were no trees with fruits; there were no mountains with sheep; there were no hills with grass; and there were no lifeforms on the surface. Jagged ridges cut through the cracked earth forming wide canyons; deep crevices formed bottomless fissures. But, wedged between two neighboring canyons, was an entrance. A towering square gate devoid of decoration grasped the shadowy abyss. Two small yet distinct green specks flashed from within the darkness, only to fade almost as quickly as it was visible...
    __________________________________________________________________________

    PART I - THE GATE
    YEAR 12B - centuries past the formation of the stardust region, now known as Kartina
    LOCATION: The barren rock (now officially named the barren rock)
    MORE PRECISE LOCATION: The Gate (also known as the door to Jin's domain) [still without embellishments...but there IS a door now...not just empty darkness]

    "So this is THE GATE...I'm not so sure about this..."

    "What are you afraid of? You've been alive since 1B. You're older than most of the gods."

    *The shadowy figure pushes open the door*

    A surge of pure energy burst forth from the door, disorienting the two outside. Then, without enough time to recover, a white light pierces through to the outside. Seconds later, the two manage to awaken from their confused states, only to be ensnared by five enormous golden dragons wrapped around pillars of precious gemstone. Spanning from left to right the pillars were made of ruby, emerald, sapphire, topaz, and alexandrite. Beside the gleaming pillars, the walls were of pure blue marble decorated with green inscriptions in the shape of serpents. Along the floor, diamonds shaped into spheres dotted the walls into the unending darkness that lies beyond. The sight was beyond the two's wildest imaginations.

    One of the figures leaped into the air, tilted her head upwards slightly, arms relaxed at her sides, and sprouted beautiful wings over 2 meters wide before gracefully landing on the sparkling floor.

    "Let's go." she said, while wrapping her arms around the other figure's waist. With a strong flap of her wings, the two burst into the darkness.

    -BANG-

    After flying for just a few minutes, the two are flattened against what seems to be the air. The pair fall to the ground with a resounding thump.

    "Ugh...what was that?" complained the winged figure.

    Suddenly, a light began to shine from the empty space before them, as if a door was opening.

    "HOH? WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE? VISITORS?" boomed a loud, yet comforting voice emanating with authority.

    The winged figure was stunned. However, the other figure walked into the light, plopped onto her knees, then brought her head to the ground before her. Just meters away loomed a vast staircase with a glimmering golden dragon head at the top with its jaws open. In the shade of the dragon's mouth was a golden throne decorated with jade dragons. On the throne sat an imposing figure draped in a long dark green robe gilded with bright yellow dragons.

    "HA..HAHA...AHAHAHA" laughed the dark figure. "MAGNIFICENT. FINALLY, AFTER ALL THIS TIME, I HAVE VISITORS!"

    The winged figure regained her composure, if only visibly, and stepped into the bright room. She walked past the other girl, who was still on the floor, and approached the foot of the stairs. Then, she stopped, looked up at the figure, barely preventing her legs from trembling, and asked "are you Jin?"

    "YES. THAT IS ME. I AM KING JIN. HE WHO WAS BORN AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS UNIVERSE. HE WHO HOLDS THE FATE OF ALL IN HIS HANDS. HE WHO IS ABOVE THE REST. HE...WHO IS KING." replied Jin in his usual booming voice. "AND YOU...YOU...ARE METATRON I PRESUME? THE OTHER ONE...THE SCARED ONE...SHE IS...HMM...VERISTER, CORRECT?"

    "Yes. I am Metatron, of the goddesses, and she is Verister, an original goddess."

    "HOH? HOW INTERESTING...A BEING TENS OF THOUSANDS OF YEARS TOO EARLY IS BEING MORE ASSERTIVE THAN A BEING WHO IS TENS OF TIMES HER OWN AGE...TRULY...DO YOU NOT...FEAR ME?" boomed Jin in an even louder voice than usual.

    "N-no...it's not that I do not fear you...it's just that...I feel you are a being who only respects those who are at your own level...and nothing less..." explained Metatron, her eyes looking down to avoid Jin's gaze.

    "HOH! SO YOU THINK YOU ARE AT MY LEVEL NOW?" replied a slightly angered Jin.

    "N-NO! I wouldn't dare...i-it's jus- HAH. ENOUGH." interrupted Jin. "I HAVE NO NEED FOR YOUR EXCUSES. INSTEAD, YOUR LIFE WILL DEPEND ON YOUR ANSWER TO MY NEXT QUESTION. WHY HAVE YOU COME HERE?"

    "T-that's because we s-seek your ww-w-wisdom..." shuddered Metatron, now openly quaking in fear.

    Jin noticed her fear, and, feeling slightly more pompous, replied "VERY WELL. WHAT IS IT THAT YOU SEEK?"

    Metatron collected herself once more, drew a deep breath, and stated, as eloquently as she could "We seek your cooperation in restoring balance to the universe."

    "HOH? GO ON"

    "You see" continued Metatron, "currently, the Alexandrite in this universe is rapidly losing its power due to chaos between dark factions...this is causing our people to become the target of the other factions since we are so weak...w-we (Metatron begins tearing up) h-have lost s-so m-many of our own...please...I beg of you."

    Jin looked at her with discontent; his mouth reflexively turned into a frown. "LISTEN. THE MATTERS OF THE FIVE FACTIONS...IT IS NOT FOR ME TO MEDDLE IN. SINCE THEIR CREATION, I AGREED TO STAY NEUTRAL DURING ALL CONFLICTS..."

    "PLEASE!" screamed Metatron, tears streaking down her reddened cheeks, barely able to keep her voice intact. Verister, finally getting up, looks at Jin, who instinctively looks back, causing her to immediately avert her eyes and hide behind Metatron.

    Jin, feeling slightly aggravated, booms "THIS UNIVERSE...DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT A SLIGHT IMBALANCE LIKE THIS WARRANTS MY INTERVENTION? LOOK AT YOUR FRIEND. SHE UNDERSTANDS HER PLACE...BUT YOU...TRYING TO COMMAND ME LIKE A PUPPET...ME. THE GREAT KING JIN!"

    Metatron, slowly returning to reality, suddenly realizes what she has just done...she immediately falls onto her knees, and bows her head to the floor, begging for forgiveness. However, it's too late. Jin was already quite displeased. He stood up from his throne and landed on the floor of the room almost instantaneously. Then, with his head tilted slightly, chin facing Metatron, looked at her condescendingly, dwarfing her frail body with his massive physique. Verister fell the floor, but was too stunned to assume her begging position. Metatron was frozen where she stood. Jin looked across the room to a jade carving of a woman with dragon features dressed in a white toga. Then, he sighed and look back at the pair, with a hint of sentiment in his eyes. He abruptly appeared on his throne again and began "hahh...ALRIGHT...LISTEN WELL. I WILL AID YOU THIS ONE TIME AS IT APPEARS THE UNIVERSE IS OUT OF BALANCE. BUT IN THE FUTURE, YOU WOULD DO WELL NOT TO PESTER ME. UNDERSTOOD?"

    Metatron's face brightened, and blushed adorably while answering with a "yup!" having her head tilted slightly to the left, hands behind her back, eyes closed, and a wide smile. Jin blushed momentarily, then he looked at Verister, who still dared not look at him, but smiled with her head down. Jin rose, and said "RAISE YOUR HEADS AND WATCH."

    The pair looked up at him. Jin stretched out his right arm, and breathed deeply. A small glow began to gather in his outstreched palm facing the door. The glow grew faster and faster; soon immense jets of wind began to collect before his hand. Everything in the room was being sucked into the immense power he was collecting, but before anything actually moved, it stopped. Jin was holding a ball of energy with a star visible in the center. He brought the orb close to his chest before expelling it towards the ceiling. The two girls quickly covered their heads expecting the roof to collapse. Moments later, when they noticed that nothing happened, they relaxed to look at Jin. He was already sitting back in his seat, looking as stern as ever. Suddenly, the two felt a sensation in their chests...it was an overwhelming sense of euphoria that made them feel like they could take on any foe (except maybe Jin). They realized now, that Jin was truly a mighty being. Quickly, they thanked him, and left the place. After the two left, Jin's gaze floats towards the jade statue again, wondering if he had made the correct choice just now.

    Soon after, news of Jin's "awakening" spread across the Universe, and he began to get a myriad of daily visitors...this greatly annoyed him and he now deeply regretted helping Metatron.
    __________________________________________________________________________

    Part II - THE IDIOTS
    YEAR: 16B
    LOCATION: The barren rock, the gate

    After several years of dealing with unwanted visitors without breaking anything or simply kicking them out, Jin has become somewhat accustomed to meeting with various parties to discuss matters regarding the universe. He has become the chair for the Committee for Elemental Balance, president of the Dragon Communications Team, and been officially deemed Wiseman of the known Galaxies...all of which were done without his input. However, his number of visitors has started to drop, and he is finally starting to be able to relax in peace.

    "OI, this is where dem oldie lives right? Jiho or somethin'?" shouts a dark figure.

    "I think you mean Jean?" responds the glittering figure beside him.

    "Yeah that's the one!" pompously laughs the dark one.

    "Heh. You think he'll even be able to talk to us straight?"

    "Pssh. You're a pushover. But when I start talkin' to em, he'll probably fall flat on em floor like the husk he is!"

    "YOU? Hah. He'll fall alright...OF LAUGHTER! You ain't got what it takes to strike TRUE fear into your enemies. ME on the other hand, am handsome, pretty, popular...handsome...pretty...popular...YEAH"

    "Pfft. Whateva man. Get that narcissistic face outta here, an lets head inside. It's darn cold out 'ere" says the dark one while running inside the gate. The other one follows.

    "Well would you look at that...this pillar really brings out my complexion" claims the glittering one.

    "DAFUQ? Yous use make up?" asks the dark one in disgust.

    "N-no...never!...I was just....joking...yeah that's it!"

    "Yeahh...kay..."

    "YOOOO...look over here! There's a light over there!"

    "WUT? What is that? Varmin?"

    "No. WTF...it's a light...plus it's pronounced "VERMIN"...geez..."

    "Yea yea...whatevs. Let's go check 'er out...maybe there's dem girls over der."

    "Girls? Why the heck would there be girls in a creepy place like this? You must've drank a few too many shots of that funky mushroom juice...you aren't thinking straight...not that you ever did anyways..."

    "Naw mang...I be fine..." says the dark one, getting a little dizzy now.

    "Woah there!" shouts the glittering one as he catches the log that just fell over. "This guy..." he mutters, before dragging the dark one towards the mysterious light at the end of the chasm. As the glittering one approaches the light, he notices that it's a torch mounted to the wall, and that there is still much more hallway to cover before the end. Beneath the torch, he discovered a door. A large cedar door with oak engravings in the shape of spirals, decorated with mahogany knots around the edges. The door looked like it was encircled with rope, and then roots started to grow from the rope. In the center of the door was a small rectangular frame attached to the door by two metal bolts along the upper segment. It was a handle. The glittering figure gave the door a slight nudge. Crrreeeeaaaakkkkk....The door slowly creaked open, as a dim orange glow seeped out from within. The glittering one peeked inside. With his head barely inside, he could see steam towards the end of the room, candles along the sides of the walls, the marble flooring, still slightly wet, and several wooden stools placed randomly around the room. He suddenly began to notice the warmth of the damp room, permeating his cold body, enticing him to enter. As he entered, his vision became hazy, his mind started to melt, and movements became sluggish. Despite this, he continued to stumble his way towards the steam.

    -SPLASH-

    His face had smashed into something hard. He quickly awoke from his dazed state to find a large brown wall in front of him. Finding it strange for there to be a wall in the middle of a bath, he stroked his hand down the center of the wall. It was warm. He became attached to the warmth emitted by the wall, and embraced it, losing his thoughts in the comfort of the structure.

    "HOH?" boomed an incredibly loud and dominated voice. The glittering figure immediately jumped back. He stared at the wall in surprise with his back against the wall of the bath.

    "W-who a-are you? stutters the glittering one.

    "ME? HAH" exclaims the wall before turning to face the glittering one. "I AM JIN! HAHAHAHAHA!!!"

    "W-what? J-jean? asks the glittering one, slowly recovering from shock.
    "JEAN? WHAT? NO! JIN!!!" yells Jin.

    "O-oh...J-jin r-right?" mutters the glittering one, glaring into the mist over the water.

    "YES. THE OWNER OF THIS PLACE. KING JIN. AND THIS IS MY BATH"

    "U-ugh w-what?"

    "YOU. YOU ARE IN MY BATH"

    "I-I'm w-what?"

    "....YOU ARE IN THE BATH OF JIN. GET OUT"

    "Y-yes...." responds the glittering one as he scurries out of the room. Jin exhales deeply and steps out of the bath while donning his bathrobe.

    The dark one starts waking up only to see his panicked friend dragging him as fast as he could towards the entrance.

    "What are ya doin'?" asks the dark one.

    "Getting us out of this place. That's what" responds the glittering one.

    "Why? Didn't we come 'ere to talk to dem oldie?"

    "I already talked to him. We're leaving now."

    "WUT? I didn' even get a chance ta talk ta em ya know. At least gimme a shot. I'ma scare em good ya hear?"

    "No. We are leaving" answers the glittering one, still dragging the other.

    "Now wait a darn second. Yous scared aren't ya? Yous probably met the guy and started quaking in yous boots ya hear?" jokes the dark one while freeing himself from the grasp of the other.

    "...Yeah I'm scared alright?" admits the glittering one before continuing, "We ain't got nothing on Jin okay? Let's just leave while we still have our lives."

    "Nuh-uh...we's leave when I says we's leave" demands the the dark one. "Heh. Yous finally realized how strong I is?" he laughs. The glittering one didn't speak, instead he was turning his head side to side slowly with great fear in his eyes, his entire body shaking. "Woah..you alright man?" asks the dark one. The other one slowly lifts an arm to point behind the dark one. The dark one turns his head slowly to look behind him. "DAHECK! Der's nothin' der! You pullin' jokes now huh?" ask the dark one with slight anger. When he turned back to face the glittering one, his eyes instead met an enormous dark wall with two glowing green eyes. The tall figure breath shot forward onto the dark one's face. "OI. Yous best watch who yous be breathin' on ya hear? angrily shouts the dark one.

    "HOH?" laughs Jin. "YOU THINK YOU ARE A MATCH FOR ME? MEEE???" booms Jin angrily.

    "Shaddup. Yous that oldie right? Jean?" scoffs the dark one.

    "JEAN AGAIN? WHO TOLD YOU THAT I WAS JEAN?" asks Jin in his usual booming voice.

    "I's did. Yous tellin' me you ain't Jean?"

    "NO. YOU'VE MADE TWO MISTAKES TODAY BOY"

    "Yeah? An what would dem two mistakes be? Huh?" retorts the dark one with great confidence.

    "ONE. MY NAME IS JIN. TWO. YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD TAKE ME ON" states Jin with a greatly condescending aura.

    "Yous still yappin'? Let me teach yous a lesson abou' respect!" shouts the dark one before winding up his right arm and landing a blow that left shock waves in its quake on Jin. "How do ya like that?" laughs the dark one. His eyes suddenly dilated as he felt an immense pain throbbing in his right fist. The pain suddenly shot out from his fist to encapsulate his entire body in debilitating agony. "W-what did yous d-do..." murmurs the dark one as he collapsed onto the floor. The glittering one had fainted after the dark one punched Jin, and is still lying on the floor.

    "Hahhhh..." sighs Jin. "MIKAEL AND KEI. I'M ADDING THESE IDIOTS TO MY BLACKLIST" he says to himself before raising his left arm. Powerful winds begin to gather in his palm, and the gales lift the two on the floor into the air and collects them within the gathering storm. Suddenly, the winds stop and the ball flies out of the gate back to Valhalla.
    __________________________________________________________________________
    PART III - CHOI - THE INEXTINGUISHABLE HEART OF FLAME
    YEAR: 5002A
    LOCATION: Yggdrasil

    Brilliantly, a passionate ball of flame shined at the heart of the young galaxy; heat waves erupted from the ball's surface with fiery ferocity, lashing out to the furthest reaches of the galaxy.
    __________________________________________________________________________
    PART IV - AIOLOS - THE ENDEARING QUEEN OF LIFE
    YEAR: 5001A
    LOCATION: Yggdrasil
    __________________________________________________________________________
    PART V - LEVENTOR - THE INCARNATION OF DESTRUCTION
    YEAR: 5003A
    LOCATION: Yggdrasil
    __________________________________________________________________________
    PART VI - VALKYRIE BETH - THE ETERNAL SEEKER OF TRUTH
    YEAR: 5002A
    LOCATION: Yggdrasil
    __________________________________________________________________________
    PART VII - SERESTIA - THE JUDGE OF RESTLESS SOULS
    YEAR: 5005A
    LOCATION: Yggdrasil

    __________________________________________________________________________
    APPENDICES - specific headings are not labelled in typical appendix fashion, just sorted below for ease of use. The information below is only intended for those who wish to understand the background information related to the story above.
    __________________________________________________________________________
    EXPLANATIONS

    Year System: Years are still the same length, 365 days, time is the same. Only difference is the numbering of years. Each letter represents a multiple of 10000 years, with A being 0, increasing with the alphabet. To know the year in familiar terms, add the number with the 10000 multiple of the letter. For example, year 3A would be the equivalent of year 3. Year 3B would be year 10003. Year 3C would be 20003. Year 5000A would be 5000. Year 300C would be 20300 etc.

    Relative Strengths: The strength of a being is based on their wisdom. Wisdom is directly linked to age, but is also heavily impacted by place of birth and elemental attributes. Gaining wisdom through purely age is slow, and so, younger generations can easily surpass lazy older generations. Newborn beings have a close connection to their planets and galaxies of birth. In this respect, they gain an amount of wisdom relative to the age of the planet and galaxy, but this amount is reduced based on the time difference...never enough that you lose wisdom due to your birth conditions though. There are five elemental affinities, like in Soccer Spirits, each represented by a gemstone. Ardor, Whirlwind, Thunder, Light, and Dark are represented by Ruby, Emerald, Sapphire, Topaz, and Alexandrite respectively. When a normal being is born, they will be primarily acquainted with one of the five, but in some cases, they can have partial connections to the other attributes in various percentages. Very rarely will a being have 100% access to one attribute with access to an additional element. Gods are exempt from this system.

    Gods: There are three types of gods. Original Gods, Normal Gods, and False Gods. There are five original gods, each representing one of the five elemental attributes. They are the most powerful among the Gods, but are bound to a single element. Normal Gods are beings that were created after the original gods. They are either born from belief or created based on necessity. They are far weaker than the original gods, but they are still much stronger than normal people. The followers of normal gods are the angels. False Gods are malicious beings created from mortal sins. These beings are essentially the incarnations of evil, and have varying degrees of power. Most false gods are stronger than normal gods. The followers of false gods are the demons. All Gods are immortal. Normal and false gods cannot die as long as there are believers. Original gods cannot die as long as there are traces of their element remaining in the universe. The Original Gods have existed since 5000A. Most normal and false gods were born after 1B, though some were born as early as 9000A. Normal and false gods often live among normal people.

    Planets: Planets are generally tethered to the heart of the galaxy by electricity, similar to the description of the barren rock. Beings generally use this as a method of transportation between planets within the same galaxy, as the core acts as the hub that binds all the planets together. To travel in this fashion, you must either have an affinity with Thunder, or possess a fragment of sapphire equivalent to the mass being transported (Note that an equivalent amount is not equal to the equivalence in mass. In this case, roughly a fist-sized chunk of sapphire could transport a modern train) Effectiveness increases with quality.

    Gemstones: The value and scarcity of elemental gemstones greatly varies. In general, sapphire is valued the most for its uses related to transportation. Ruby can conjure fire, or even lava if the quality is high enough. Emerald allows plants near it to grow faster, and will improve the health of those near it. Higher qualities of emerald allow for control of wind. Higher grades of sapphire can also generate electricity. In some rare cases, enough electricity can be generated to travel to another planet directly. In very rare cases, sapphire can be used to travel between galaxies. Topaz can purify contaminated substances or wounds. Higher grades of topaz can blast high energy light at distant targets. Alexandrite absorbs nearby energies and gives it to the user. Higher grades of alexandrite can absorb life to lengthen the user's lifespan.

    Dragons: Dragons have existed since 2000A. They are beings composed of pure energy. The power of a dragon generally rivals that of an upper tier normal god. Dragon Kings are closer to the power of the Original Gods, but generally a bit weaker. Dragons were the original creators of the five elements. In the modern day, they are generally revered by normal people, though they are very rarely seen.

    Normal People: Normal people are bound by the elemental affinities. The power limit for normal people is generally that of a normal god, though it is very rare for a human to match a god in power. Most SS Players will be "normal people". However, many of the angels and demons from SS will retain their status as such.

    Jin: ??? What is he exactly? I'll add a background story of Jin later.

    Further Explanations to be added based on necessity.


    ____________________________________________________________________
    KNOWN CHARACTER INFORMATION

    SPECIAL NOTE:
    assume character physical characteristics to be the same as they are in game unless otherwise specified.

    Jin

    BIRTH YEAR: 3A or earlier
    PLACE OF BIRTH: Kartina, the barren rock
    ELEMENTAL AFFINITY: Jade (Not one of the five elements...more details to come)
    ASSOCIATIONS: Aiolos.

    Metatron
    BIRTH YEAR: 8B
    PLACE OF BIRTH: Valhalla, Valkyrie I
    ELEMENTAL AFFINITY: Dark, Light
    ASSOCIATIONS: Order of the Gods, messenger; Goddesses

    Verister
    BIRTH YEAR: 1B
    PLACE OF BIRTH: Valhalla, Valkyrie I
    ELEMENTAL AFFINITY: Dark
    ASSOCIATIONS: Order of the Gods, secretary; Original Gods (in name only)

    Mikael
    BIRTH YEAR: 10B
    PLACE OF BIRTH: Valhalla, Valkyrie VI
    ELEMENTAL AFFINITY: Light
    ASSOCIATIONS: Order of the Gods, Trainee; Jin's Blacklist

    Kei
    BIRTH YEAR: 10B
    PLACE OF BIRTH: Valhalla, Valkyrie VI
    ELEMENTAL AFFINITY: Light
    ASSOCIATIONS: Order of the Gods, Trainee; Jin's Blacklist
    __________________________________________________________________________
    INFORMATION REGARDING THE GALAXIES

    Kartina: Home to Jin.

    Yggdrasil: Home to the 5 original gods.

    Nadir: Home to the bulk of those with elemental affinities towards Ardor, Whirlwind, and Thunder.


    Valhalla: Home to the bulk of those with elemental affinities towards Light and Dark.

    Hellion: Place where restless souls gather.

    __________________________________________________________________________
    Hmm..not sure how to classify this...but basically, because I wasn't feeling like writing anything ecchi-related or the sort, crafted a scenario regarding Jin before he become the lovable grandpa we all know....so...I've added a side note to the title about this post being a place for me to gather thoughts in the form of text.

    Let me know what you guys think in the comments!
    ljinmadlwhale
    PS: Why does this look like a SS guide or something?
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2017
    Xetael and PaxMilitae like this.
  2. Unknowned

    Unknowned The Part-time UnWhaler

    Messages:
    303
    Location:
    Singapore
    IGN/ID:
    Unknowned
    Galaxy:
    Galaxy
    Colosseum:
    CoD 55
    Wow thats... Very deep scifi fanfic lol
     
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  3. PaxMilitae

    PaxMilitae This world needs more Noa

    Messages:
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    IGN/ID:
    PaxMilita
    While accuracy isn't really the strongest point here, there's no doubt that it's a very well-thought work. Looking forward to your next one.
     
    Ozuros likes this.
  4. Ozuros

    Ozuros "All you need is Hime" -Ozu 2017

    Messages:
    1,089
    Location:
    AFC HQ
    IGN/ID:
    AFC Member #6
    Club:
    AFC
    Galaxy:
    Commonplace XII
    Colosseum:
    The one that everyone reaches
    If I continue, I'll probably just add on to this, since there's the potential for it to progress.

    Thanks for reading guys.
     
  5. Sayano

    Sayano Doki's Bugcapoo

    Messages:
    1,417
    Location:
    Valhalla
    IGN/ID:
    Sayano
    Club:
    Mugiwara
    Galaxy:
    Galaxy
    Colosseum:
    51 colo, cot 46
    Nice description to say the least. A enjoyable read, even if everything seems a bit altered and the scales seem weird.
     
  6. Ozuros

    Ozuros "All you need is Hime" -Ozu 2017

    Messages:
    1,089
    Location:
    AFC HQ
    IGN/ID:
    AFC Member #6
    Club:
    AFC
    Galaxy:
    Commonplace XII
    Colosseum:
    The one that everyone reaches
    It's purposeful of course/psh/

    I might include an explanation of how things work if needed.


    EDIT: added some explanations.
     
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2016
  7. Xetael

    Xetael The Oblivious

    Messages:
    1,067
    Location:
    From my bed.....never mind I'm going back to sleep
    IGN/ID:
    Xeteal
    Galaxy:
    Diamond
    Colosseum:
    36
    NOW THIS IS MORE LIKE IT!!!! /shy//shy//shy/ AWESOME JOB MATE!
     
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  8. Ozuros

    Ozuros "All you need is Hime" -Ozu 2017

    Messages:
    1,089
    Location:
    AFC HQ
    IGN/ID:
    AFC Member #6
    Club:
    AFC
    Galaxy:
    Commonplace XII
    Colosseum:
    The one that everyone reaches
    glad you liked it :D
     
  9. Ozuros

    Ozuros "All you need is Hime" -Ozu 2017

    Messages:
    1,089
    Location:
    AFC HQ
    IGN/ID:
    AFC Member #6
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    UPDATE: Just finished "Part II - THE IDIOTS". Haaahhh....it really takes some effort to write these things...all the same, enjoy lno
     
  10. Jaxx

    Jaxx Insignificant Person

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    I don't exactly dislike it, but personally, I think it has way too much detail... Then again, it's about gods and goddesses, so I'm guessing overly-detailed descriptions are a given. But my stand remains the same, having details is nice and all, but adding too many details makes too many walls of text. Having a lot of details is nice and all, but sometimes you need to tone it down.

    Also, personal advice, when it's just two people are talking, it's best that you don't go:

    "But Sam...!!!", said Hildegard.

    "No is no.", replied Sam.

    "But it's just cake!", complained Hildegard.

    "You'll go hyper and you'll never go to sleep! No. Is. No.", said Sam.

    "Awwww...", Hildegard cried.

    You see what I mean? It's unnecessary, when two people talk back and forth, adding that description at the end of every sentence said is just distracting... But that could be just me. Also, don't add too many ellipses (...), they start getting annoying in large quantities.

    The part where you set your fanfic in a completely different universe from the actual lore... Interesting. I'd like to read more about this alternate universe of yours.

    Summarized: Too many details, some sentences and descriptions feel unnecessary, but the story itself appeals to me nonetheless. I'll be watching.
     
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  11. Ozuros

    Ozuros "All you need is Hime" -Ozu 2017

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    Alright, so clean it up a bit, and reduce details. I can clean it relatively easily...but regarding the extra details....I could just include them all at the end as an appendix of sorts...since they are relevant details, just maybe not for quick reading?

    Also, @Jaxx , this is meant to be a cross between typical dialogue driven fanfics and light novels. Less detail than most light novels, but more than just dialogue...if that makes sense. As an explanation for the ellipses, they are merely used to indicate breaks. If there is a better way of doing so, be sure to let me know!
     
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2016
  12. Jaxx

    Jaxx Insignificant Person

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    Hey, it's your fanfic, do what you want with it, I'll read it whenever I can anyways since the Soccer Spirits fandom doesn't have a lot of fanfics I can read...
     
  13. Xetael

    Xetael The Oblivious

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    *Catches Jaxx and puts him in a pot*
     
  14. Jaxx

    Jaxx Insignificant Person

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    Not here mah brothah, someone's writing a fanfic!
     
  15. OmegaPain

    OmegaPain At the end of a tale, all's left to do is to die.

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    Woah, that was a lot of reading there. Hope you had a great time making this :D
     
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  16. Ozuros

    Ozuros "All you need is Hime" -Ozu 2017

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    QUICK UPDATE: Moved some stuff, cleaned the dialogue a bit.

    Created an appendix
    Moved "EXPLANATIONS" to the appendix.
    Cleared out some "useless" little add ons to the character dialogue, while generally retaining them for the first few phrases for clarity of speaker. Also retained them when extra details regarding the character's expression/emotions etc are involved. Dialogue linked to larger descriptions untouched.
     
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  17. Xetael

    Xetael The Oblivious

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    Doesn't matter I'm hungry!
     

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